Monday, June 27, 2005

"Dear Red States" from Nuevo California

This is making the rounds:

Subject: Dear Red States

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California,
and we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form
our own country, and we're taking the other Blue
States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii,
Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan,
Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split
will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to
the people of the new country of Neuvo California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the
slave states. We get stem cell research and the best
beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. We get
Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard.
You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and
entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of
the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay
their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower
than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of
happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be
pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all
our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need
people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids
they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for
no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show
pictures of their children's caskets coming home.

We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs
turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources
in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm
control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water,
more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92
percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of
America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at
state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of
the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur
coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all
the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale,
Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have
to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and
their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all
U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes,
90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all
Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all
televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University,
Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states
believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62
percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing
the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that
evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was
involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards
believe you are people with higher morals than we
lefties.

Sincerely,
Author Unknown.
(Neuvo California)

4 Comments:

At 12:25 AM, Blogger Mac said...

Thing of superb beauty. Damn that's good.

 
At 3:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now all we need is a response by the red states. That would be sooo cool.

 
At 4:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

All I want to know is when we are filling for secession.

 
At 6:31 AM, Blogger Red and So Blue said...

Someone from a red state sent this to me in another red state. We are thinking of defecting. Please tell us that you can improve on the INS.

Best Regards,
Red Bastard

 

Post a Comment

<< Home